Bouncing Back

Imagine the music playing, light flickering and a beautiful brunette dancing amongst her friends, twirling, smiling and seemingly, the center of the room. Viviana was a vivacious, spirited and sexy female who was always the life of the party.  She was the kind of girl everyone wanted around. Though she had been in some bad relationships before that stifled the woman that she was, she had found a zest for life and an independence that ramped up her sex appeal.  She was the girl who did her thing.  To many, she was the envy of her friends because she wasn't desperate for a boyfriend or a husband, she simply was interested in "fun."  She had a great time with her girls, lived how she wanted to live and embraced any opportunity to seize the day.  Then, she met a man that changed things for her.  She found herself caring and falling hard for this guy, even despite her best efforts to keep her guard up.  After a few months of dating, she slowly tore down the walls and allowed herself to be vulnerable.  Deep down, she still suffered from some wounds of the past and those little pains came out in curious places.  She found herself doubting things here or there, though she didn't want to admit it.  She struggled with trust, wondering if he had changed his ways from his bachelor life?  But she loved him and so it was a huge hit for her when things fell apart.  Everyone has their different methods of mourning.  I find it interesting to see all the different mechanisms that people employ to get themselves back on their feet again.  There are many tactics used, but here are a few that you can probably relate to: sleep, isolation, ice cream, sex, flirting, self deprecation, depression, personal trainers, online dating, girl time, drastic change, new hair style, exercise, etc. etc.  This energetic beauty had lost her zest for quite a few months, as she tried to get her spirits back up.  Eventually she regained herself, and likely she found an even better version of herself.  I can't be sure, but I am guessing she thought a lot about herself, the relationship and what she desires in the future. Four months later, she is a gorgeous butterfly and full of that same sparkle that we know her well for.  She was glowing recently, getting compliments and kind words from everyone around her who saw that ray of light within.  We all have the ability to bounce back.  When and how is our own issue to resolve. Viviana revealed that bouncing back can mean, emerging as even more beautiful and vibrant than ever before!

Falling Effortlessly

When you can easily allow yourself to trust, love and be open, you know it is the real thing.  While most of the loves in the past required a great deal of effort, almost as if you had to pry open your heart with iron to talk yourself into leaping, this one simply did not.  The entire dynamic is one of peace, a peace I had not imagined. To find yourself falling effortlessly is something that is hard to put into words, but the feeling encapsulates you with warmth and ease.  There was a time when I doubted that I would ever find it.  I imagined a life of jet-setting and fun, but not with a man that I would return home to when the trip was complete.  I wondered if any men at all deserved trust?  I figured that a commitment and devotion were things that my parents had, but not something that I would ever find.  I pushed hard against the door of cynicism that keep trying to pull me in.  I did not want to be bitter, resentful or hard.  I did not want to close myself off, or erect too many walls for some gentleman to scale to get into my heart.  I wanted to stay the way I was: open, excited, happy, romantic and hopeful.  Luckily I was able to, although it became increasingly difficult when I faced a few let downs in close proximity to one another requiring me to really evaluate where I was in life and what I was searching for.  

In the end, I realized that I need to get back to my roots and surround myself with inner happiness and love and somehow that all worked.  When I look back to even a year ago, I am thankful for the changes I made, for the risks I took and for the fact that I remained open and hopeful despite a sea of frogs.  What I have found today is the effortless love that I have always idealized.  It still does exist.

running from yourself

Don't break up with me and then a week later email to say you miss me.

Don't peruse my photos of me having fun and trying to move on, and email me again saying "You're happy that I am doing better"

Don't mess with my mind just because you are a chicken.

Oh, and don't send pictures of us off of your camera where we are kissing, happy, in love, etc.  I don't want to see those!

If you miss me so much and feel the need to keep reaching out, perhaps you should figure out your feelings?  If you made a mistake, then pick up the phone and call me to talk about it. To err is human.  We all make mistakes in life.  If you can't figure things out, then leave me be.  Is that too much to ask?

She's got the idea!

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.......

Even though Ms. S is giggling a bit at the tee, the concept of recycling boys (or girls) is a wise one.  If Ms. S meets a cutie but he is not really her type, she should recycle him and introduce him to her friends.

Ms. T met a gent that was tall, preppy and handsome and while he was sweet, smart and cute....she was not interested personally and passed him along to her friend Ms. T.

Just as there is a place for recycling your aluminum can or composting your paper napkin or orange rind, keeping tabs on quality folks and facilitating introductions is a smart thing to do!

Running from Yourself

From the outside Damon had a life many could only dream about.  Intelligence came naturally, and brilliance was a snap.  He sailed through life, his errors never paralyzing him as they would many a man.  He rose to the highest levels.  He charmed those around him and drew in outsiders with his boisterous laugh and boyish humor.  He stood out in his world, and many longed for what appeared to be a carefree way of being.

While he may not have been her ideal or like the men she craved, the charm eventually wore on her.  She started to feel something for this quirky beast.  She saw the different sides of him and began to knock down some of his walls. She became most pleased with their fun.  They could raise the stakes and toy with one another.  they could laugh and laugh.

Just as things went from lust to emotion, Damon ran.  As the words came from his lips, she could tell that even he knew how cowardly he sounded.  But there was not a thing she could do.  This escape was his to manage and she could not talk him off the ledge.  It was yet another disappointment and another man too scared to take the leap.  A half sewn design that was never allowed the proper light or time.

Silence and time forge a a dose of truth that eventually drags down a giant.  This beast could not outrun the truth.  He hated that it caught him.  He felt embarrassed, small and ridiculous.  He reached out with shaky arms to this woman he ran from. But he ran for too long.  She no longer wanted to wait for a beast who did not see what was right before him all along.  She knew better.  It was not his crime that the Beast failed to continue forging the jungle with this woman.  His crime was running from himself and running from truth.

Is there anything wrong with the way things were?

We all crave what is new and what is hip.  Restaurants in New York City change just as quickly as the produce at your corner market.  Novelty breeds curiosity.  Curiosity leads us to investigate and wonder if something is better, faster, tastier, sleeker and sexier.  Yet, gazing backwards to a simpler time....we smile at the old photographs of love struck couples and the proper courtship that resided between a pair.  While technology plunges us forward whether we like it or not, we can opt to recoil however we'd like in many of our choices.  We can pick up the phone and call someone we care for, be it a friend, a relative or a lover.  We can send a love letter or a card to warm someone's heart.  We can sit by the light of a candle and ponder life and happiness without a gadget, a television set running in the distance or a light on in the room.  We can linger on our lover's lips like they are as sweet as clover honey without a care in the world about the eyes of strangers.  We can regress and leave our cell phone behind when on a date.  We can spend the day with a child, giggling at the silliest of things and playing with sticks and buttons.  We can bake a casserole and wear an apron.  We can twirl in a polka dot dress.  We can stand awe-struck at the amber sunset and pause some more.

The Allure of the Gentleman

Alas, there is a shortage of gentlemen left in the world!
However, when you find one, it can be a real treat.

Gentlemen appreciate many a thing,
Valuing romance and all that it brings.
They enjoy a lady in full form,
Manners, and kind gestures are the norm.
They may open a door and offer a hand,
They may give you the seat, while they stand.
A real gentleman knows just what to do,
They are a league above the rest of the male crew!

If you are so lucky to encounter this rare species, it is imperative to observe all their manly traits.  If they are genuine, then appreciate them and adore them.  They will certainly return the favor!

so simple, but somehow commonly so difficult

Too often couples get so comfortable with one another over time that they don't bother to reconnect with one another like they did during the early stages of their relationship. Remember when you used to ask your mate questions like: "So what are you thinking?" when he looked off into space or stared intensely at you. It seems simple, but the general thoughtfulness may be overlooked as time goes on, "What would you like to do together? Is there anything I am doing that you aren't pleased with?" Curiosity, genuine interest and excitement facilitate communication allowing your mate to share his or her feelings. When you forget to be in touch, and focus on going through the motions, that is when things go awry.  Many of my friends talk about how difficult it is to find someone to commit, and to actually achieve a relationship at all.....but once you are there, that is when the real challenge begins.  It takes long term effort, kindness and attention to keep a fire lit.

These days it is automatically assumed that a lover knows what his or her mate is feeling and that can be dangerous for any relationship. People change so it doesn't hurt to see if your mate's feelings have changed, future plans have been rearranged, and certain interests have been abandoned since the early days of the relationship.  How difficult is it to take time, at least once a month, to have a heartfelt discussion with your mate about relationship related things? Surprisingly it can be easily overlooked.  Doing this, can help with any insecure feelings, inner conflict or something else that may be bothering you concerning your mate.  It is imperative to use those idle moments to talk about ambitions, goals, parenting problems, and challenges with relatives or friends. It is far better to dig in and stay close than to allow a vast canyon to form between you.  Over time, it only gets wider and deeper, sometimes beyond repair.  Simple...yes?  Easy, no.

Andrea and the digits

Andrea sat giggling with her friends over silly stories as she sipped her beer.  She noticed the bearded gent in the distance.  She could not help but feel his eyes follow her.  It was no coincidence.

Later, after planting a few more glances, this gent approaches.  He cleverly created the opportunity and it worked.

With a smile, courageous and helpful side kicks and a pen, the digits were given.

Questioning the bravery, and the exchange Andrea blushes.

It is a moment in life which could be a minor regret, or a major milestone.   One will never know unless they try.  A scoop of vanilla and the paper exchange close a sweet evening.

The Agonies of your own mind

Life and its happenings shape us like intricate stone into the person we are.

Every crevice and every sharp corner has been formed from a specific jab.

As much as we may hate to revisit those bashes, they also bring us a strength that we would never know otherwise.

From to time, emotion, excitement and the fear of those unexpected assaults cloud our minds and jumble our senses.

We cry because the load is too much for us to carry.

We nearly anticipate the theoretical painful ambush that could happen….

We hate to think it, but we wonder if it will be like all the others….a brutal, agonizing let down that we could never have predicted.

Then, we shake our heads, and try to silence our minds.

We can never know what another human thinks unless we ask.

We can speculate, and we can postulate.

We can allow the pains of yesterday to alter our today.

We can wear the blood of those wounds on our chests

Or we can push ourselves to let it go.

Carry the load, feel strong on who we are and what we deserve in the world.

Someday, somehow, somewhere, someone will understand this, see this in our eyes and in the deep reaches of our soul and understand who we really are and love us for it.  They will have their own gashes, and scars and fears that may run deep.  But they will have walked a hard road, given all that they could and want to give again.

Duped?!#$*

As we ponder the new year, and a whole new opportunity to live a better, happier, healthier life....I think about the karma that will set in for those responsible for "Duping".  With far too many stories and examples of it in the past year both personally and from witnessing it occur to friends, its hard to imagine how the "Duper"s can live with themselves?

Duping can occur on many levels, but the core element of the act is so dishonest and cowardly that it makes me cringe! Perhaps in the essence of relinquishing the past and moving forward, we can compile a wish list of potential karma-kickers for these "Dupers"!
1.  For the Duper who liked to act like Romeo when he knew he was in hot water, and an irresponsible child the next moment.  May the web of lies and sketchy behavior swirl around your head this year, making you see how it feels to be on the other end of that stick!
2.  For the all around nice guy "pinner Duper" who put on such a stellar show of sweetness and perfection....all too suddenly to come crashing down when he showed his true colors symbolic of the cowardly lion even worse, may your little hairs fall out sooner than later.  ha!
3.  For the intense, deep ski town Duper who held promise for more, fell off the planet entirely and ended up 9 months later with a mysterious child....may the diapers smell worse than imagined!
4.  For the dating site dupers who claim to be rico suave in a nutshell, but possibly are a fat, creepy bald man trying to ruin the world....may you be locked in a virtual world forever never breaking free.
5.  For the east coast duper who is confused on life and cannot figure out how to email a reply, may his email skills continue to be squandered and you lead a life of GTL Jersey style....
If you are interested, just say so.  If you have a date and decide there is no chemistry, let the person know.  Being straightforward is never a bad thing, and its something the dupers need to learn.  Duping is all around bad karma, and sorry, but we just aren't wishing them well!

What to hold out for

11 Things Every Girl Should Hold Out For

1. A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you. He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Someone that connects with you and your intricacies is someone to hold out for.

3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.” Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it—but he'll go for you.

4. A guy who inspires you to be a better person.  The ultimate person you want to spend your time and your life with should teach you something, show you something new and inspire you to grow and be a better human being.  the inspiration can take you a long way....

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card. Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you and knows you. 

6. A guy who is honest. I do not care how painful the conversation may have to be, if the guy can be honest....he earns a great deal of respect from me.  To err is human, and surely we will all disappoint, make mistakes and have our share of things that are hard to admit.  The man who can be honest in good times and bad is a person worthy of long term commitment.

7. A guy you respect. Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Does he make the world a better place somehow or care about it at all?  Let’s hope so, ‘cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.

8. A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out. Not to mention, maintaining an active intimate life is truly important to staying close to someone over the years....that chemistry is important for keeping the energy going!

9. A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you're interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you'll wish you had seen the world.

10. A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does.  I want someone who feels as sure as I do—and I can't talk anyone in or out of anything.

11. Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, compassionate, beautiful and powerful—always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.

What are you holding out for?