Sex on the mind

It could be the moon, your mood, or some unknown factor but sometimes you just have sex on the mind.  One friend that shall remain nameless said it best, "its as if you want to stay in bed, close the world out completely and just be like an animal for a whole day."  Perhaps nurturing our animal instincts once in a while is a good thing?  Tune out from the world, turn off the phones, ignore the laptop, doorbell, appointments and all the unneeded distractions of the modern world!  There are verified health benefits to indulging!

the hook up with the FRIEND

She flirted with him here and there.  Some people accused her of having the "hots" for him, and she would quickly brush it off.  They were only friends, she would remind them and laugh.  There was a morsel of truth there but what she did not admit was that there was a lot of attraction that went along with it.

One night, they both found themselves eased with alcohol and having a great time.  As the night wore on, their inhibitions slid away.  They flirted shamelessly but she really believed it would end like it always had, with nothing further happening.  Not this time.  She wanted him, as much as she never could admit it.  And he obviously felt the same. As the music cranked, he slid his hands from her waist down to her hips.  She moved like a real woman, and her short dress flipped and twirled around her round bottom.  He could not resist.  They both became  mesmerized by the trance and the game they were playing with one another, until they could resist no more.  The memory is seen through a foggy piece of glass, as they somehow made it back to the hotel room where the years of flirtation finally was able to come to fruition.  Their lips met, their hands gripped each other, clothes were practically torn off, and they scoured each other's bodies.  Afterwards, they were so exhausted that they lay paralyzed on top of the bed amongst the ravaged bedding and articles of clothing.

She may admit it to some, but she'd rather keep it quiet that these two actually hooked up finally after a few years of flirting, accusations and certainly friendship.  Though some may judge or say what they must, who really cares?  A woman wants a man, a man wants a woman and they enjoyed the ravenous evening of pleasure together after fighting it for a long while.  Life is about realizing the things we want and going after them, now isn't it?

Will you be ready?

While watching an old Episode of Sex and the City, the episode where Carrie meets Aleksander Petrovsky for the first time.....I find myself contemplating how much those ladies have been through and where they are as of this episode. Much like our own lives, many of us have been through a lot, had many loves, painful endings and watched our friends change and life change. Along the way, we have choices how to exit and how to renew ourselves. I have seen all versions of this in my friends and acquaintances. Some of them grew, some holed up and erected barriers to protect themselves from further pain and denial, some blocked the pain out, some did their best to bounce back and live life and some have resigned themselves to a life on their very own. It all works, who are we to judge anyone? But for those still holding onto hope for a great love and for a person to share their life with, a poignant question arises. If and when that happens, will you be ready? You may be saying, "well, of course I will be!" But being ready does not simply mean that you have waited for this all your life and it's time. It has a deeper level of meaning. When you feel yourself looking into the eyes of the man you could really love and completely fall for, it is damn scary. It can be so scary that we find ourselves consciously or unconsciously performing little acts of self-sabotage, or staying aloof to protect our ultimate vulnerability. Perhaps as much as we want it or think we do, we have to be ready within ourselves. We have to be willing to face the gretestz fear we know, make sacrifices, adapt, give a little, open those doors, realize it is not just about us but the greater "we", take risks, accept being uncomfortable at times, realize there will be unknowns and go with them. The list goes on. The reality is that when you are looking at Mr Right, it will only work out if YOU are ready to accept the wild ride ahead with every scary demon, bump, that unexpected baggage, turbulence and bad meal that may come along with the flight package!

Bouncing Back

Imagine the music playing, light flickering and a beautiful brunette dancing amongst her friends, twirling, smiling and seemingly, the center of the room. Viviana was a vivacious, spirited and sexy female who was always the life of the party.  She was the kind of girl everyone wanted around. Though she had been in some bad relationships before that stifled the woman that she was, she had found a zest for life and an independence that ramped up her sex appeal.  She was the girl who did her thing.  To many, she was the envy of her friends because she wasn't desperate for a boyfriend or a husband, she simply was interested in "fun."  She had a great time with her girls, lived how she wanted to live and embraced any opportunity to seize the day.  Then, she met a man that changed things for her.  She found herself caring and falling hard for this guy, even despite her best efforts to keep her guard up.  After a few months of dating, she slowly tore down the walls and allowed herself to be vulnerable.  Deep down, she still suffered from some wounds of the past and those little pains came out in curious places.  She found herself doubting things here or there, though she didn't want to admit it.  She struggled with trust, wondering if he had changed his ways from his bachelor life?  But she loved him and so it was a huge hit for her when things fell apart.  Everyone has their different methods of mourning.  I find it interesting to see all the different mechanisms that people employ to get themselves back on their feet again.  There are many tactics used, but here are a few that you can probably relate to: sleep, isolation, ice cream, sex, flirting, self deprecation, depression, personal trainers, online dating, girl time, drastic change, new hair style, exercise, etc. etc.  This energetic beauty had lost her zest for quite a few months, as she tried to get her spirits back up.  Eventually she regained herself, and likely she found an even better version of herself.  I can't be sure, but I am guessing she thought a lot about herself, the relationship and what she desires in the future. Four months later, she is a gorgeous butterfly and full of that same sparkle that we know her well for.  She was glowing recently, getting compliments and kind words from everyone around her who saw that ray of light within.  We all have the ability to bounce back.  When and how is our own issue to resolve. Viviana revealed that bouncing back can mean, emerging as even more beautiful and vibrant than ever before!

Falling Effortlessly

When you can easily allow yourself to trust, love and be open, you know it is the real thing.  While most of the loves in the past required a great deal of effort, almost as if you had to pry open your heart with iron to talk yourself into leaping, this one simply did not.  The entire dynamic is one of peace, a peace I had not imagined. To find yourself falling effortlessly is something that is hard to put into words, but the feeling encapsulates you with warmth and ease.  There was a time when I doubted that I would ever find it.  I imagined a life of jet-setting and fun, but not with a man that I would return home to when the trip was complete.  I wondered if any men at all deserved trust?  I figured that a commitment and devotion were things that my parents had, but not something that I would ever find.  I pushed hard against the door of cynicism that keep trying to pull me in.  I did not want to be bitter, resentful or hard.  I did not want to close myself off, or erect too many walls for some gentleman to scale to get into my heart.  I wanted to stay the way I was: open, excited, happy, romantic and hopeful.  Luckily I was able to, although it became increasingly difficult when I faced a few let downs in close proximity to one another requiring me to really evaluate where I was in life and what I was searching for.  

In the end, I realized that I need to get back to my roots and surround myself with inner happiness and love and somehow that all worked.  When I look back to even a year ago, I am thankful for the changes I made, for the risks I took and for the fact that I remained open and hopeful despite a sea of frogs.  What I have found today is the effortless love that I have always idealized.  It still does exist.

running from yourself

Don't break up with me and then a week later email to say you miss me.

Don't peruse my photos of me having fun and trying to move on, and email me again saying "You're happy that I am doing better"

Don't mess with my mind just because you are a chicken.

Oh, and don't send pictures of us off of your camera where we are kissing, happy, in love, etc.  I don't want to see those!

If you miss me so much and feel the need to keep reaching out, perhaps you should figure out your feelings?  If you made a mistake, then pick up the phone and call me to talk about it. To err is human.  We all make mistakes in life.  If you can't figure things out, then leave me be.  Is that too much to ask?

She's got the idea!

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.......

Even though Ms. S is giggling a bit at the tee, the concept of recycling boys (or girls) is a wise one.  If Ms. S meets a cutie but he is not really her type, she should recycle him and introduce him to her friends.

Ms. T met a gent that was tall, preppy and handsome and while he was sweet, smart and cute....she was not interested personally and passed him along to her friend Ms. T.

Just as there is a place for recycling your aluminum can or composting your paper napkin or orange rind, keeping tabs on quality folks and facilitating introductions is a smart thing to do!

Running from Yourself

From the outside Damon had a life many could only dream about.  Intelligence came naturally, and brilliance was a snap.  He sailed through life, his errors never paralyzing him as they would many a man.  He rose to the highest levels.  He charmed those around him and drew in outsiders with his boisterous laugh and boyish humor.  He stood out in his world, and many longed for what appeared to be a carefree way of being.

While he may not have been her ideal or like the men she craved, the charm eventually wore on her.  She started to feel something for this quirky beast.  She saw the different sides of him and began to knock down some of his walls. She became most pleased with their fun.  They could raise the stakes and toy with one another.  they could laugh and laugh.

Just as things went from lust to emotion, Damon ran.  As the words came from his lips, she could tell that even he knew how cowardly he sounded.  But there was not a thing she could do.  This escape was his to manage and she could not talk him off the ledge.  It was yet another disappointment and another man too scared to take the leap.  A half sewn design that was never allowed the proper light or time.

Silence and time forge a a dose of truth that eventually drags down a giant.  This beast could not outrun the truth.  He hated that it caught him.  He felt embarrassed, small and ridiculous.  He reached out with shaky arms to this woman he ran from. But he ran for too long.  She no longer wanted to wait for a beast who did not see what was right before him all along.  She knew better.  It was not his crime that the Beast failed to continue forging the jungle with this woman.  His crime was running from himself and running from truth.

Is there anything wrong with the way things were?

We all crave what is new and what is hip.  Restaurants in New York City change just as quickly as the produce at your corner market.  Novelty breeds curiosity.  Curiosity leads us to investigate and wonder if something is better, faster, tastier, sleeker and sexier.  Yet, gazing backwards to a simpler time....we smile at the old photographs of love struck couples and the proper courtship that resided between a pair.  While technology plunges us forward whether we like it or not, we can opt to recoil however we'd like in many of our choices.  We can pick up the phone and call someone we care for, be it a friend, a relative or a lover.  We can send a love letter or a card to warm someone's heart.  We can sit by the light of a candle and ponder life and happiness without a gadget, a television set running in the distance or a light on in the room.  We can linger on our lover's lips like they are as sweet as clover honey without a care in the world about the eyes of strangers.  We can regress and leave our cell phone behind when on a date.  We can spend the day with a child, giggling at the silliest of things and playing with sticks and buttons.  We can bake a casserole and wear an apron.  We can twirl in a polka dot dress.  We can stand awe-struck at the amber sunset and pause some more.

The Allure of the Gentleman

Alas, there is a shortage of gentlemen left in the world!
However, when you find one, it can be a real treat.

Gentlemen appreciate many a thing,
Valuing romance and all that it brings.
They enjoy a lady in full form,
Manners, and kind gestures are the norm.
They may open a door and offer a hand,
They may give you the seat, while they stand.
A real gentleman knows just what to do,
They are a league above the rest of the male crew!

If you are so lucky to encounter this rare species, it is imperative to observe all their manly traits.  If they are genuine, then appreciate them and adore them.  They will certainly return the favor!

so simple, but somehow commonly so difficult

Too often couples get so comfortable with one another over time that they don't bother to reconnect with one another like they did during the early stages of their relationship. Remember when you used to ask your mate questions like: "So what are you thinking?" when he looked off into space or stared intensely at you. It seems simple, but the general thoughtfulness may be overlooked as time goes on, "What would you like to do together? Is there anything I am doing that you aren't pleased with?" Curiosity, genuine interest and excitement facilitate communication allowing your mate to share his or her feelings. When you forget to be in touch, and focus on going through the motions, that is when things go awry.  Many of my friends talk about how difficult it is to find someone to commit, and to actually achieve a relationship at all.....but once you are there, that is when the real challenge begins.  It takes long term effort, kindness and attention to keep a fire lit.

These days it is automatically assumed that a lover knows what his or her mate is feeling and that can be dangerous for any relationship. People change so it doesn't hurt to see if your mate's feelings have changed, future plans have been rearranged, and certain interests have been abandoned since the early days of the relationship.  How difficult is it to take time, at least once a month, to have a heartfelt discussion with your mate about relationship related things? Surprisingly it can be easily overlooked.  Doing this, can help with any insecure feelings, inner conflict or something else that may be bothering you concerning your mate.  It is imperative to use those idle moments to talk about ambitions, goals, parenting problems, and challenges with relatives or friends. It is far better to dig in and stay close than to allow a vast canyon to form between you.  Over time, it only gets wider and deeper, sometimes beyond repair.  Simple...yes?  Easy, no.

Andrea and the digits

Andrea sat giggling with her friends over silly stories as she sipped her beer.  She noticed the bearded gent in the distance.  She could not help but feel his eyes follow her.  It was no coincidence.

Later, after planting a few more glances, this gent approaches.  He cleverly created the opportunity and it worked.

With a smile, courageous and helpful side kicks and a pen, the digits were given.

Questioning the bravery, and the exchange Andrea blushes.

It is a moment in life which could be a minor regret, or a major milestone.   One will never know unless they try.  A scoop of vanilla and the paper exchange close a sweet evening.

The Agonies of your own mind

Life and its happenings shape us like intricate stone into the person we are.

Every crevice and every sharp corner has been formed from a specific jab.

As much as we may hate to revisit those bashes, they also bring us a strength that we would never know otherwise.

From to time, emotion, excitement and the fear of those unexpected assaults cloud our minds and jumble our senses.

We cry because the load is too much for us to carry.

We nearly anticipate the theoretical painful ambush that could happen….

We hate to think it, but we wonder if it will be like all the others….a brutal, agonizing let down that we could never have predicted.

Then, we shake our heads, and try to silence our minds.

We can never know what another human thinks unless we ask.

We can speculate, and we can postulate.

We can allow the pains of yesterday to alter our today.

We can wear the blood of those wounds on our chests

Or we can push ourselves to let it go.

Carry the load, feel strong on who we are and what we deserve in the world.

Someday, somehow, somewhere, someone will understand this, see this in our eyes and in the deep reaches of our soul and understand who we really are and love us for it.  They will have their own gashes, and scars and fears that may run deep.  But they will have walked a hard road, given all that they could and want to give again.

Duped?!#$*

As we ponder the new year, and a whole new opportunity to live a better, happier, healthier life....I think about the karma that will set in for those responsible for "Duping".  With far too many stories and examples of it in the past year both personally and from witnessing it occur to friends, its hard to imagine how the "Duper"s can live with themselves?

Duping can occur on many levels, but the core element of the act is so dishonest and cowardly that it makes me cringe! Perhaps in the essence of relinquishing the past and moving forward, we can compile a wish list of potential karma-kickers for these "Dupers"!
1.  For the Duper who liked to act like Romeo when he knew he was in hot water, and an irresponsible child the next moment.  May the web of lies and sketchy behavior swirl around your head this year, making you see how it feels to be on the other end of that stick!
2.  For the all around nice guy "pinner Duper" who put on such a stellar show of sweetness and perfection....all too suddenly to come crashing down when he showed his true colors symbolic of the cowardly lion even worse, may your little hairs fall out sooner than later.  ha!
3.  For the intense, deep ski town Duper who held promise for more, fell off the planet entirely and ended up 9 months later with a mysterious child....may the diapers smell worse than imagined!
4.  For the dating site dupers who claim to be rico suave in a nutshell, but possibly are a fat, creepy bald man trying to ruin the world....may you be locked in a virtual world forever never breaking free.
5.  For the east coast duper who is confused on life and cannot figure out how to email a reply, may his email skills continue to be squandered and you lead a life of GTL Jersey style....
If you are interested, just say so.  If you have a date and decide there is no chemistry, let the person know.  Being straightforward is never a bad thing, and its something the dupers need to learn.  Duping is all around bad karma, and sorry, but we just aren't wishing them well!

What to hold out for

11 Things Every Girl Should Hold Out For

1. A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you. He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Someone that connects with you and your intricacies is someone to hold out for.

3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.” Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it—but he'll go for you.

4. A guy who inspires you to be a better person.  The ultimate person you want to spend your time and your life with should teach you something, show you something new and inspire you to grow and be a better human being.  the inspiration can take you a long way....

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card. Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you and knows you. 

6. A guy who is honest. I do not care how painful the conversation may have to be, if the guy can be honest....he earns a great deal of respect from me.  To err is human, and surely we will all disappoint, make mistakes and have our share of things that are hard to admit.  The man who can be honest in good times and bad is a person worthy of long term commitment.

7. A guy you respect. Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Does he make the world a better place somehow or care about it at all?  Let’s hope so, ‘cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.

8. A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out. Not to mention, maintaining an active intimate life is truly important to staying close to someone over the years....that chemistry is important for keeping the energy going!

9. A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you're interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you'll wish you had seen the world.

10. A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does.  I want someone who feels as sure as I do—and I can't talk anyone in or out of anything.

11. Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, compassionate, beautiful and powerful—always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.

What are you holding out for?

Charlie chasing the lights

Charlie drove in his convertible, past the fashionistas on the street, his sunglasses allowing his eyes to roam freely.  He had a social line up like something of a Head of State.  Everything was in order, and his shirts were pressed.  Deep down, Charlie wanted to be loved just like everyone else.  He probably longed for a mate to curl up on the couch with and laugh at silly movies, to make pancakes for dinner with and to ask her opinion on his tie or his big speech.  But, he chased the lights, the mini skirts, the designer handbag carrying gal, the scene, the money, the empty allure of the frenzy to be something.  When all along, Charlie was something and the minute he just stopped trying, he may in fact find a real woman with a real heart, complete with good intentions and a life time of good times in store.  Surely, Charlie is not alone.  The quest is all too familiar.  People long for fame, fortune, fancy lives, splendor, luxury and beauty.  They do so much, that they convince themselves that within that lies happiness.  The longer they chase, the more hungry they can become.  Charlie, when you stop chasing the lights you may find the real light in your life.

Is finding the right lover like a puzzle?

One may think finding a solid lover, the kind that satisfies, excites while bringing complete joy is based on chemistry, their experience level or even their personality or hotness.   Perhaps the most kind and experienced lover is the best?  But what about the idea that some people no matter how skilled they can be, fit better with some people more so than with others. Someone may be an amazing lover with one person and a mediocre lover with someone else.  Just like that, its true.  Sonya thought about it and consulted her friends to see if she was the only person to ever feel this way.  They confirmed her finding.  Sometimes, there is a magical fit, like finding the exact piece of a puzzle that leads to the most amazing passion and out of body type of pleasure. When its a fit like this,  you realize just how wrong some of other fits were?  

9 months=baby?

Timelines, Timelines......and Timing!

• Early March:  Margaret met Ivan in Aspen. They quickly became romantic, shared personal stories, kisses and hope for meeting up in California someday.  Even though brief, they formed a deep connection.

• Early-Mid March:  Margaret does not hear from Ivan.  Flurries still in effect, she sends a message which got no reply.  Baffled, hurt and confused, she thinks of every possible scenario and wonders why.  No answers in sight.
• Summer:  She sees a picture of him with a blond girl on his FB page complete with her name, etc.  
• December:  Pictures show up of her, him and a baby!

Margaret had this mini affair with him in early March, and that is precisely the time that this little baby was created.  She never heard from him, and now she knows why!  Did he impregnate his ex before their fling?   One thing we can say for certain, this guy has a lot on his plate....unexpected bambino!  As much as we may try to understand the opposite sex, we may never have all the answers.  Then again, life can also just happen failing to stick to our plans, and failing to comply with our wishes.  

What just happened?

Just at the moment he was about to reach his pinnacle, amongst their naked flesh rocking back and forth, he yelled out the most unappealing set of words!  Aubrey, newly single with child, and just starting to get back in the game, thought "What just happened?"  It was such a turn off, she could barely hide her winced expression as she buried her face into his shoulder.

As she swiftly booted him from her apartment that night, the words kept replaying in her head "Suck my Balls!"  What would possess a man to yell that out just as an orgasm is about to take place.  Is that supposed to be a turn on?  Exciting?  Sexy?  Appealing? Did he intend that as a command or just a fantasy moment?  Do you think this character really wanted her to quickly disengage and crawl down there to suck on those things?  One may never know.  The man was so embarrassed, she had to reassure him about his random, bizarre orgasmic yelp and tell him not to worry about it.

As Aubrey thought more, she realized that this character had a lot to worry about.  The conversation at dinner was less than enticing, then she took him home to repair her computer virus and soon realized that she needed sex more than she needed to truly feel attracted to this man.  So she asked him if he wanted to have sex, and sure enough, even though it was completely out of left field, he said yes.  As they head to her bedroom, she whips out 3 condom choices, describing the differences and benefits.  Hoping for a satisfying and pleasurable experience in the most carnal of ways, they undressed and proceeded to embark upon the act.  She could barely feel anything, not because he was small, but because he was semi-flacid.  This was REALLY not going well.  Eventually when things finally got going, she was at least hopeful for some pleasure from the awkward date: low and behold, the man ends yelling out 3 disgusting words.  Once it was said, it was said and nothing good could come from that.  Still perplexed about why this man was inspired to yell that out at the pinnacle of their moment, she realizes that the single life has a lot of crap in store.  Sigh, and on to the next!

Sabrina gets the table

Even though some things are toxic, less than ideal or with little long term value, sometimes we still just do them.  We realize it may not be our wisest moment, but who says life has to be calculated perfectly?  Sometimes we just want to be human.

Sabrina got sucked into banter and flirtation with her ex.  It all started with a random sighting, when she was least expecting it and soon enough he had wedged himself into her thoughts.  The worst part of it all, was not that he was no good for her.....it was that he had a girlfriend!  Still, she carried on the chatting, the messages and even a secret meeting. Although she was never going to get anything satisfying emotionally from this man, and no budding relationship would develop from their words or a actions.....she sure would get something!

Just as quickly as she could give him lollipop love, she found herself with a hook up at the coveted restaurant she had been wanting to score a table at for New Years Eve.  Poof, just like that.